DISCONNECTION
Disconnection can cause friction even in the best of marriages. It can cause two people who love each other very much to suddenly be irritated by everything their spouse says and does. You may find yourself nitpicking at every little thing that drives you nuts about their habits, or you may find that the two of you are now constantly bickering over issues you once easily let go, and now you can’t seem to move past them. Maybe it’s the way they chew their food, or how they leave a wet towel on the bed, or when they leave a drinking glass on the coffee table despite getting up numerous times and never bringing it to the kitchen.
It’s easy to get focused on the little things, which slowly begin to brood inwardly with irritation and resentment, until eventually it erupts out over the smallest of occurrences! Yet all that brewing was just a distraction from the root issue: disconnection.
BREAKING THE DISCONNECT
If your electricity bill is not paid, the company turns off your access to power. If you plug your toaster in to make toast, it won’t work because there is no power flowing into your house. No matter how many times you push the toaster lever down, it won’t work because there is no power. You can yell at the toaster because it fails to cook your bread, but it won’t change the fact that you have no power because you stopped paying your electricity bill. To have power again, you will need to contact the company and arrange to pay your bill.
What does this have to do with connection? Everything.
When a spouse stops doing the things that express love, the result is like an unpaid bill. Eventually your spouse will turn the power off (love). In reverse, when we continue to express love to our spouse in ways that fill them up, the power stays on and there is a connection that keeps the love flowing.
As humans we don’t always do this consciously, and it is easy to use this as an excuse to turn our love off and create walls when we don’t get what we need or want. But’s that’s a topic for another day!
The fastest way to begin reconnecting is by doing the things you used to do that you have stopped doing. Think back to your dating days and early years of marriage; what worked then that you don’t do now? If you feel clueless where to even begin, I have a four-word strategy that works wonders. Ask your spouse “what do you need?” and then DO IT! No arguments. No rebuttals. Discovering what someone needs is powerful, especially for the ability to communicate love and restore lost connection.
NOTHING I DO WORKS!
If what you’re doing isn’t working, you may be doing the wrong things. Most often we do things for people that we want them to do for us, but that only works when you both experience love in the same way. A man named Gary Chapman wrote a fantastic book called “The 5 Love Languages” and in it he writes about the five ways in which we give and receive love. If you’re familiar with it, maybe it’s time for a refresher; it might be time to re-identify yours and your spouse’s love languages. If this is new for you, click on the link below and it will take you to the website where it will describe each of the 5 love languages and how to communicate love in those identified love languages. There is also quick quiz to discover what own personal love languages are; you may be surprised at what you find out about yourself!
This is a great activity you can do together. Asking your spouse to sit down and do this as a couple will show a genuine interest in reconnecting and strengthening your marriage. If they don’t want to, that is not an excuse for you not to pursue it independently. Sometimes the best way to express love to someone is when it is not being immediately reciprocated.
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
YOU’RE NOT ALONE
Every marriage will have moments and seasons where a disconnection is experienced. Do not panic if that is you. Maybe you’re newly married and this is the first time you’ve encountered this strange and undesirable feeling. Maybe you have been disconnected for so long you forget what it’s like to be connected. There is hope for whatever your situation is; there is always opportunity to learn new skills or pick up old ones that once worked. Knowledge is powerful, which makes knowing the needs and love languages of your spouse essential to staying connected and keeping the love flowing. And as always, if you feel stuck or hopeless, get help. There is limitless access to countless resources and professionals who can help your marriage get back to a place of connection.
