#1 Sex. Healthy married couples have sex; frequently, and they both enjoy it. Let’s just clear one thing up quickly. Of course, there is the reality that illness, disability, and medications can interfere with sex and sex drives, and yet you can still achieve a healthy and thriving marriage without sex, or frequent sex. So, if illness, disability, or medications is something you and your spouse face, this one isn’t for you. I’m sure by now you’ve learned new ways to share intimacy when sex isn’t possible, or you’re learning to. For the rest who don’t face those circumstances, the first symptom that reveals things may not be thriving in your marriage is the lack of sex or the enjoyment in your sex life.
Great sex is built on a foundation of good communication and vulnerability. Very rarely does great sex just happen or last forever without talking about it, being creative at times, and learning what your partner wants or needs from you. Not everyone grows up with the ability to talk about sex easily or freely. You need to develop the ability to talk about it in your marriage, even if it makes you uncomfortable at first. The couples who are having frequent sex and enjoying it are most likely talking about it!
#2 Dating. It always amazes me how fast dating your spouse after marriage fades into the background of priorities and the dozens of excuses that follow. If it took dating to get to the alter, it takes dating to keep the relationship growing.
What purpose was there in dating your spouse before marriage? Usually it’s a time of learning about the other person such as knowing what makes them tick, their concept of fun, showing them through actions that you know them, that your listening to all their stories. Maybe that meant you learned they love theatre and surprised them with tickets, or black irises are a favourite flower, so you called every florist within 20 miles to buy some, or buying tickets to their favorite sports team game. The point, dating is carving out time to invest in another person and deepen your understanding of who they are and doing enjoyable things together. After marriage, we will continue to change as we mature, and especially as life seasons keep changing, we change too. Our hopes, our dreams, our goals, our passions and likes and dislikes, and the things that interest us keep changing. Dating your spouse will keep you up to date on those things, keep you connected, and it sets the stage to keeping your marriage at high value.
#3 Dream together. Knowing the dreams of the person you’re married to deepens your connection. Knowing what drives them to wake up every morning or head off to the job they don’t necessarily love but the job that fuels the finances for those dreams, makes the difference in your connection. Most often, couples who dream together also participate in helping each other achieve those dreams, encouraging one another to pursue those dreams, and maybe even making sacrifices together to see it happen.
#4 Communicate Effectively. This means you’re able to share the good, the bad, and the ugly without world war three happening in your relationship. To effectively communicate means that a couple can share information which the other person clearly understands, and if they misinterpret what’s being said, they both have the skill to pause and try again until the message is understood and a resolution takes place.
Ineffective communication means information being shared is misunderstood, leaving both parties frustrated, tensions form, and often causing hopelessness for resolution. Of course, every relationship has moments when conversations blow up and communication was entirely ineffective in producing a desired outcome, but that shouldn’t be the normal daily occurrence. Communication isn’t just the exchanging of words; it includes the ability to understand the message and resolve the conflict.
#5 Eat meals together. This may sound like a no brainer, but not eating meals together due to schedules and life’s busyness is becoming more common, especially when you have kids in the house. Research proves that families who eat together stay together. This is largely based on the principle that when you sit down to eat, conversations will happen, and it’s this time of connection that keeps a couple (or family) connected on a relational level. Sharing your day can be a great way to learn about your spouse, or to become the encouragement on a bad day!
#6 Kiss. Did you know that the exchanging of saliva when kissing stimulates the brain hormones dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, all of which promotes bonding and attachment! Even better news, this saliva exchanged through kissing will also reduce the stress hormone called cortisol. No to mention that during mouth-to-mouth kissing, testosterone, which enhances our sex drive, is released bringing us back to habit #1! Let’s not forget to mention that kissing puts us into proximity with our spouse. Kissing like this means we are most likely locked into an intimate embrace which has its own cocktail of hormones released, offering tremendous health benefits. I dare you to google it yourself!
#7 Have fun. Healthy couples know how to enjoy each other’s company and unwind together. Fun is defined by the person being asked, we all have unique interests and things we enjoy. In a healthy relationship, couples learn and understand how to engage each other at their level of interest. You do an activity you don’t enjoy yourself simply because of the joy it brings your spouse.
At the end of your day remember, the goal isn’t perfection. The goal is maturing into new levels of health in our marriages in every season. It’s choosing to maintain health in your marriage by doing the required work of investing into the person you love and have committed the rest of your life to.
I personally can attest to the fact that my husband and I don’t do all 7 perfectly all the time, but our goal is to always be intentional about improving and taking time to check and see how well we are doing in these areas. It’s not uncommon for us to lay in bed at night, or relax over a glass of wine, and ask how well we are doing at meeting each other’s needs. We also do some goal and dream sharing together, actively discovering ways to help the other person to achieve those dreams, or even just being the voice of encouragement. Most importantly, when we start to notice tensions rise between us in daily life, we ask ourselves when the last time we had fun together. Often, in the busyness of life and the demands of having teenagers in our house, we have the tendency to slip away from our date nights and forget to have fun!
Having the marriage of your dreams is in your hands, you must own the quality of your connection!
